


The Risk of Each Other

by drjamband



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 08:17:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4599516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drjamband/pseuds/drjamband
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim's depression makes him think Spock will leave him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Risk of Each Other

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh FEELINGS. Just had one of those nights where a small thing affects you and you have to go write about it. Hope you enjoy this all the same.

Spock had excused himself from the celebratory dinner on the planet Leonus about a half hour after Jim had.  Jim had claimed he had a headache and told Spock to stay and enjoy the party, but Spock was not one for parties, especially if Jim wasn’t there, so he returned to their temporary quarters.

He heard a choked, watery laugh from the other side of the door just before he went in, and he found Jim sitting on their bed, blanket tucked around him, and a television show from the early twenty-first century playing.

_“Dot Com!  Do you ever read books by women?”_

_“But George Eliot **was** a woman.”_

_“Enough!”_

“Jim?” Spock asked.

“Spock!  Hey, sorry.  You scared me.”

“I apologize.  I came to check on you.”

Jim pulled the blanket tighter around him.  “You didn’t want to stay and enjoy the dinner?”

Spock moved closer to the bed.  “I have had my fill of the festivities for the evening.”

“Okay.  If you’re sure,” Jim said quietly.  He hadn’t met Spock’s eyes once.

“ _Ashayam_ , what is troubling you?”

“Nothing, it’s just a headache.”

“I know it is not,” Spock said gently.  “You do not have to lie to me.”

Jim moved so Spock could sit next to him.  “It’s just...it’s what Councilman Pleonus said tonight.  About his former wife, and that he left her because she didn’t like to go to the formal parties and balls.  He said she was shy, and didn’t talk to the other guests much, and that it made him look bad.  He said...he said he couldn’t enjoy himself when he was with her.

“I...I felt so bad for her.  I thought about how upset she must have been when he left.  I thought about how she must see herself now that….”

“Now that he is gone?” Spock tried.

Jim looked at him.  “Now that he’s decided she’s not worth it.”

Spock put a hand on Jim’s back.  “But why has this upset you so, _ashayam_?”

“Because one day you might decide that too,” Jim whispered.

Spock had to breathe deeply for a few moments in order to stay calm.  He did not want to upset Jim further by appearing angry.  “You are afraid I will leave you because of your occasional depression.”

“No!  I mean, yes, but...not really.”

“I apologize, Jim.  I do not understand.”

Jim tucked his knees to his chest.  “When I think about it rationally, I know you won’t leave me.  But it’s hard to listen to the rational when the irrational is so strong.  Sometimes it tells me that I push you too far, that I’m too much of a burden, that you’ll get fed up and resent me.  It scares me and makes me think you’ll leave.  And then everyone will be proven right, and I’ll know I’m worthless.”

Spock grabbed Jim and held him tightly.  “Please, my Jim, do not speak in such a way.  It is my honor to care for you in whatever way you need, my _t’hy’la_.  You are never a burden to me, and I will spend eternity proving it to you.”  He pulled away.  “I am sorry I have made you feel this way, _ashayam_.”

“No!” Jim said.  “No, you haven’t.  Not you.  Just...sometimes I hear things or see things and it triggers something inside me.  But you’re always there to make it go away.  Sometimes I’m just afraid one day you won’t be.  And I know it’s not true, but the fear is so real, Spock.  No matter how I try to rationalize it, I can’t.  There’s something wrong with me, Spock.”  

“There is nothing wrong with you.  You amaze me every day because you have overcome so much and yet you are not bitter, but kind, honest, caring, and brave.  You are infinitely stronger than anyone else I have ever had the chance to know.  I know right now you do not believe me, but I will prove it to you, no matter what it takes.  I will be with you no matter how low you find yourself.  I will not let you fall so far that you cannot climb back up.”

Jim let himself cry into Spock’s chest after holding back his tears for so long.  He knew this didn’t fix everything, that there would still be days when he doubted himself.  But he trusted Spock without question, and if Spock said that Jim was strong, and brave, and all those other things, then perhaps he was.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Bonus points if you can guess the show Jim was watching. =D


End file.
